I Want to Be Your HUG Dealer

I have been working consciously and sometimes tirelessly for the past two years to become “softer,” gentle, light. 

I used to describe it as trying to break my own heart open wide. Now, I realize it’s not my heart but the walls that have been protecting it and love that so desperately wants to be free.

HD071.jpg
HD039.jpg

I want to be a light for me and for you, to bring joy, compassion, LOVE, gentleness and softness to all those I encounter. To do this, I need a softening of the edges and an explosion of light, love and gentleness.

And I don’t know about all of you, but sometimes when I am at my most raw and vulnerable, it is the ABSOLUTE HARDEST to be soft and to let the inner gooeyness show. At first, I find myself feeling joy-filled, free and excited to share that part of me, and then, I get to where I am going, and I’m not even sure how it happens, but ZAM! 

My walls somehow go up around that peaceful freedom, even though I so desperately want to share. Then, I struggle to offer the softness, and I beat myself up. I can feel the literal anger and disappointment run through the center of my chest. 

I used to just sit with this and do nothing different, silently making it worse by allowing my brain, my perfectionism to abuse my little spirit for always letting it down. 

How wrong I had it. How much worse I was making it for myself.

Today I say, “It’s OK! I know you are afraid. I honor the way you feel. We don’t need to be afraid, and I hope when you are ready, you will trust this will be OK, too.”

How many times have we heard that being gentle with ourselves allows us to be gentle with other people? Ain’t that the SERIOUS TRUTH.

How can I be gentle with you if I can’t be gentle with me? (I really have been a slow learner my whole life. 😂😂  But I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be.)

Friends, it wasn’t until this year, 30 years after I was born and years after I started the process of working with a counselor, that I finally learned what being gentle meant.

Thank you GOD for the grace you keep offering me, for the continued gentleness you have allowed me to soften in and learn from. I am soooo blessed. 

So wait, I’ve gotten off track. 

What I’ve learned in this process is that I just have to be gentle with myself. I have to honor that my brain works differently than my heart and my spirit. I have to let it see that it’s OK to trust. It’s OK to be vulnerable. But I can’t force it, and beating myself up is only going to further enforce the fear-filled walls. 

That’s what gentle is to me, honoring wherever we are and allowing that to be, instead of forcing the way it could be. It’s compassion for the struggle because the struggle we all face is real, folks. 

Oh my damn, ⬆ what a blessing.

Wait, I just did it again. I can’t help myself. I’m just passionate. 

So, I want to be your HUG dealer. What do I mean? I want to give you a hug, offer you an ear, be a source of softness, compassion and understanding. I want to offer you gentleness.

I want to work past my own walls with you by being uncomfortable myself. Hugging is my very favorite thing, but it’s also totally vulnerable. I want to put these practices in place.

I want you to know, I know this struggle. I know it’s hard to be happy, to be open, to be joy-filled, free. I know the ache. I know that whatever your struggle is, it’s the hardest thing you have ever done. I know you are doing the best you can to get through this life. 

I am here. I honor you. I applaud you. Let me be your light walker.

And selfishly, you know what? The more I do this, the less I will put those walls up, too.

Let’s be each other’s HUG dealers.

In love, light and continuing grace … xoxo,

– H