If you had asked me even 10 weeks ago if I thought my life would change so much from this one trip, I would have said, “No.”
If you had told me, “Haley, you will come back from this trip and you will NEVER BE THE SAME.” I probably wouldn’t have had the mental capacity to understand. I would have wanted to think I was open enough to believe you, but if was being honest, I would have thought, “No, it won’t.”
I don’t think I have the words. I don’t think I’ve even been able to comprehend the vast shift in my life every single day since the day I left. I can’t put a finger on it, even though it feels as though its bigger than the size of my entire being combined.
What I can tell you, for sure, is that God is here and at work, and I am along for the ride. Are you going to make this an easy ride, Haley, or a hard one?
I kept saying my heart felt broken into a million worldly pieces that I left all over Thailand. I think what might have actually happened is that my heart was broken open. (Oh em GEE, what a blessing!)
It’s an openness I have never experienced before, a vulnerability I wasn’t sure I could experience, and emotions I have never been able to feel before.
A funny thing happens when you ask God for clarity and for direction ... He throws you into it HEAD FIRST.
Right now, I’m sitting on my bed, I have headphones in, and I keep getting distracted by the music. Because this work — this work is hard. I know on the other side the JOY will be so wildly worth it. (I will probably think, “Why did I wait so long?” Because that is what recovering perfectionists do!) Sitting in the work, trying to find the words, feeling the feelings, moving passed the debilitating fear ... it is HARD, RAW, UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’m reminded as I sit here, I knew God was at work because every part of this trip was God. The way it fell together, the sureness I felt in my chest despite the fear. That silent voice saying, “Go. Do this. It’s time. I have a plan for you. It will be OK.”
I just never imagined, even in my wildest dreams, the shifts in which my entire being would change.
How blessed am I? Damn.
God is good, and I am blessed, even when I feel like I could crawl out of my skin and die. HAHA (I’m still really dramatic.)
I’m being offered grace. We are ALL being offered grace. What will we do with this gift?
Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.
How many times do you think I will forget? How many times will I need to sit in utter discomfort to be reminded of God’s grace and the blessing that comes?
Maybe my job isn’t to sort out any of the things I just laid out on this paper. Maybe it’s not my job to seek what it is that I can’t put my finger on or put a word to. Maybe my job is to accept this grace, allow my life to shift and experience what God is placing in front of me.
That feels both terrifying and exhilarating, like I could burst into tears at the freedom I can feel coming and looming at the same time, because I can literally feel the fear sitting in my chest.
“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are
but does not leave us where it found us.” — Anne Lamott
Wherever we are, with whatever we have, however worthy or not we feel, grace is always available to us.
WHAT A MIRACLE?!
I’m baby-stepping my way to grace today. Care to join me?
Vulnerably yours … xoxo,
P.S. – If you shuttered or cringed at the amount of times I said God in this post, click here.